I don't know where to start. and i don't know how. it's linked from one story to another. and some might wonder why my posts are usually sad and depressing. I'd say this is a personal thing that none of my family members knew of. being raised in a big family, when i was born, i had 2 elder brothers above me. for them, i was spoiled since i was the only girl in the family. so i got teased a lot. and i'm the 'lone-ranger'. played on my own, and when i tried to join them, i'd end up crying. and so i was called a crybaby back then. out of no reason, they just happy to see me crying. since i was a 'lone-ranger', i kept everything to myself, giving in.
i got a younger sibling when i was 6. by 8, i got 3 younger brothers. by 11, i got 5 younger siblings. mom taught me at a very young age that i should not think for myself, but put others before me. i.e; my siblings, my parents. to think of others before i do anything. i know how to clean washable diapers, how to fold the diapers, how to put on the washable diapers. they had this folded cotton, which layered with washable plastic as well, to tied it up around the toddler's waist. and somehow faeces fall down the leg when the plastics were no longer elastic), how to clean up vomit, toddler's urine and faeces, how to mix the milk formulae, how to feed them, etc. (to be honest, until now i can still remember how mom yelled at me when i refused to clean up my brother's vomit. that ws when i was 8. when i told her about it now, she denied). so..i knew about chores when i ws young. birthday party was unheard of. unless if it's for younger siblings. i did asked for one when i was 9. and mom said no, saying that she was too tired, and told me to understand her situation.
being in a big family, privacy is unheard of. i've had diaries. and all have been read by my elder brothers. being laughed at. and i was the laughing stock for the month. i've had diaries to talk to someone, i was lonely. mom was busy with younger siblings, my elder brothers are doing things among both of them. and, staying with cousins during wkend is absolutely is big NO. i don't know why, and until now, i kept wondering. perhaps mom didn't like having strangers in our house, so she doesn't want us to pester others. but, i can recall this, "people would think we (my parents), could not taking care of you". but if it's just a night, it won't hurt at all.
that's all for now. this is merely the first part of curhat. kinda sleepy now. i'll update it later.
