Adoh heh.

biuk ati.sik pernah2 lam dirik tok nk ngerepak dlm bhs swk. tp dtg moha nk ngerepak. btw, apa reti biuk oh? sukati jak nulis tp sik tauk maksud. tukar jak word ya. angol. ha.. ya baruk tepat.
angol palak utak. gitok kesah nya.

baruk kenal sorg miak tok tek. baruk2 juaklah. nok masok 4bln. nang salulah juak kuar dgnnya. nang cun juak, dlm 3-4bulan ya tek, tang ada ramei urang dtg kl. tang penoh jak umah ampang ya tek. dgn dak kazen dtg bercuti, kakya cun juak ada pengilan nikah bala mek urg, abg dtg dgn keja, adik prektikel. alu la ala2 terkantoi la dah bergerek.

ney tek segal begayut jak2. keluar jak2. alu mak mala juak telepon ngecek, sepot cek. lawak la juak, sik pernah2 nya call tiap2 ari eh. tok tek, tiap2 ari tepon. bila nya tauk dirik sik suka nak alah2 diterjah, lain gik modus operandi nya. mlm tok tepon kmk, mlm esok tepon abg mek, mlm sigek gik tepon adik, mlm sebutik tepon adik nok sorg gik. yah, kelas sik modus operandi mak. eksen nanyak, sapa2 gik di rumah tek. mun nama kmk tek sekda, tanyak agik.. 'nya pegi siney. sik balit2 gik kah?'

nama femily kmk urg besar nak, kmk tok anak tengah. nok padah di manjak sik, nok dipadah dijaik sik juak. tp dr kecik marek, kmk tok di biasa dgn ngalah dirik. kalah dirik dgn abang2 yg suka buli, "tulah kelak eh mun melawan abg", waima kita betul. aok ajaklah. kalah dirik dgn
adik nok sik tauk reti, (kotan di biasa nak, smpei nek tok sidak nang sik tauk reti.Mah sa nyawa ku ngenang adik2ku yg selfish itu) jadi kmk tok nang bukan jenis banyak mulut lah mun di umah. apa jak rasa sik puas ati, diam dirik.lainlah mun kmk rasa benda yg menar2 betul, and ada valid justification. mun ada masalah rah sekolah, diam dirik juak. kenak denda kah, kenak anok cikgu kah. sik puas ati dgn markah kah, cikgu sik pandei ngajar kah, cikgu anok bodo kah, diam ajak. mun bukak sora pun, antara dengar sik di dengar ajak. sik pandei nok berbukak mulut, meluah rasa. pandei2 dirik lah nok nyetel masalah. pandei2 dikpun nk ngidup dirik.

nok dijadi crita, bnykla benda yg berlaku dlm idup semasa membesar, sehingga sebesar2 nektok, sik dikongsi dgn mak/bapak/family lain. kdg2 rasa benda ya remeh temeh. mun sik remeh, tp sungguh giney piluk pun, diam ajak. mun ada benda nok penting, baruklah padah dgn mak. ya pun benda2 nok remeh tok di 'delete'kan dari jalan cerita. i.e; mun cerita pegi trip ke ulu yam, siklah smpei cerita hal tertinggal tuala, brp jam mandik, makan apa. ngak cerita, pegi dgn kwn sama kelas, ada urg laki, mpuan. pegi kol brp, smpei umah kol brp. sapa numpang sama moto.janji selamat pegi, slmt balit. ya jak crita. janji cgpa meletops. tp sik juak dpt 1st class.. sipi2 jak.

so, dah nama membesar, bulak lah mun sik pernah bergerek. pernah sekali duak. tp sik pernah dicerita dgn mak/bapak/adikbradik lain. ngak tauk cerita kawan2 rapatlah. dah nama sik dicerita, siklah sidak tauk suka duka kita dlm bergerek nak. sik nya tauk bila anak nya tok peras menonggek @ rah atas awan ke sembilan kah. sbb bg kmk benda ya sik perlu ditauk. lainla mun dah nk nikah. ya lain cerita.so dlm begerek ya, setakat tok, nang semua smpei ke pelamen.
so, didiamkan ajakla perasaan peras ya tek.

tp dah makin tua tok nak, makin bingong urg tua, anak nya sik laku2. anak urg lain mun nok sama umo, dah 3 urg anak. yg anak dara nya tok tek sik bergerek2. bila di tanyak 'ada gerek sik?', "sekda" jak2 dijawabnya. pandei nyuroh carik gerek rah leberi indah. kedonggg.. dah kerja nektok baruk nk carik rah leberi. sik paham juak ku koh. lainlah mun aku nk carik buku2 mahal. cam dah sik relevan agik (espeseli dah kerja kedak tok), kedong nek tok smua ada lam internet. waima encyclopedia pun ada rah internet.mun nak carik buku, pirated soft copy pun boleh carik. (yes, i do that too.. paperless, people. less paper, less polution, more space). ok, back to topic.

sik pernah2 tnyak ada gerek sik time bljr marek. tp bila da kerja baruk sekoh nk tanyak. cun juak time kerja nang sekda gerek. jadi selamat lah nak. sekda lah nk mulak padah sekda tp sbnarnya ada. ntah gney kah pandei nk terjumpa dgn sorg miak tok tek. baruk jak.. baruk juak. baruk nk masok 4 bln kenal dgnnya. baruk nak kenal perangei yg di kaber2. mun sik dikaber, sik tauk juak gney perangei nya.

apa lagik mak, bila pertama kali baruk tauk anak ada gerek, berbakul2 nasehatnya:

1. boh mala keluar sama jak2 kelak peras menonggeng.
2. boh cayak gilak dgn urg laki tok. sekpat nk sayang lebih2, syg dirik pun lebih
3. iboh bait gilak dgn urg, kelak takut sik jadi
4. boh carik urg kaya, susah kita mun nikah dgn urg kaya. sik sama tarap kita tok. kelak bnyk masalah.
5. boh lamak gilak berkawan, kelak sik jadi. peras nonggeng kitak kelak. (Aih, ada agik peras nonggeng)
   

dlm hati: "Mak, lamak tok kmk peras, ktk jak sik tauk. sik juak kmk ngarap gilak. mun mena nya jodoh, kmk terimak, mun bukan, kmk redha. bkn baruk pes taem kmk gerek"

yg kuar dr mulut: "aok mak. tauk kmk mak, dgr kmk mak"

lekak nasehat, soalan bonos gik kuar. sapa namanya tek? bilanya nk jumpa mak dgn bapak? bila nak nikah tek? dah brp lmk bkawan? apa keja nya? giney btemu? urg siney? sapa nama mak/bpk nya?

mun sekali sekala, sik juak kmk heran. tok, tiap2 kali tepon, ada jak soalan cepu emasnya
tp kbnykn soalan ya berjaya di tai-chi dgn soalan2 lain. i.e; tanyak hal adik bradik lain, tanyak apa dimasaknya aritok tek. sak nya lupak soalan nok ditanyak tadik. (semporna ada jak perangei). kotan mak pedap dgn jwpn anak dara nya, smpei nya madah "berat na jak mulut nk padah". aih, terdiam dirik nengar.

mintak maap mak, bkn kmk sengaja nak polah kitak gia. tp kmk kedirik pun sik sure sama ada jadi kah isik nikah dgn nya tok. sbb gik baru juak mak. bkn dah bertahun2 kedak anak ktk nok sorg gik ya. sik tauk gik giney perangei nya tok. nya pemanas kah, bait kedak mak kah, ensem kedak bapak kah. *sempat juak, kedong nak mujok balit*. mun kmk padah lebih2, mun sik jadi, malu kmk mak. malu kmk dgn ktk,dgn bapak, dgn urg kmpg. 'kampung kerrr?' sik gney2 jadinya kelak. mun dah ada bedok nak nikah, kelak mek madah smua. lak kmk madah bila nya
nak dtg nemu kitak dgn bapak. bila mak bpk nya nak merisit. stakat tok gik bekawan. sik mok padah lebih2. biarlah rahsia kata sitinoliza. ney tauk mun sik jadi kelak, biar jak kmk peras kedirik. dari nanggong malu dgn ktk urg. (pemalu menar anak dara kitak tok)

tauk kmk, mak bingong. tp mun mak bingong, makinlah kmk bingong. tp kmk coba nak ilek2. kmk yakin dgn qada' and qadar. (tok stetmen mujok dirik). kali peredaran jaman juak. mun dolok, mpuan nang sekpat idup tanpa dak laki. tapi nek tok, mun sekda laki pun, mpuan boleh idup juak. da boleh kerja, ngidup dirik pun. bkn doa kmk nak menyingle seumo idup mak (teringin juak anak kitak nok mok belaki, mudah2n anak dara kitak tok berlaki & ada anak dikpun.AMin.) tp kmk cuma nk madah, 'always think the bright side of life'.ney tauk mun kmk nikah lak, makin bnyk dosa kmk. sik pandei jaga laki, nengkar kata laki.kotan kitak mala madah
kmk tok sekpat nak belaki mun lagik malas kedak tok. menar kali, kmk tok nang sik layak berlaki. kali i'm better off being single at this moment. ney kita tauk nak mak? MUN lah mentimun kmk sik nikah, kmk nak assure dgn ktk, insya Allah, sik kmk kebulur. cukup dah ilmu ktk merik, nyekolah kmk, insya Allah, dpt mek ngidup dirik mek mpun. akhirat ya Wallahua'lam. mudah2an cukup juak pakei akherat mak ooh.

maap mun kmk berat mulut nak bercerita. dah kmk tok nang sik pandei bercerita dgn ktk mak. bkn kmk nak nyalah ktk, tp dah lebih dr 28 thn kmk di biasakan berdiam dirik, selagik sekda benda penting nk dipadah. boh ktk susah ati mun kmk susah nk mukak mulut bercerita, bersadu' duka gembira. ok bah kmk tok, cuma kmk sik rasa masa tok tepat utk mukak semua cerita. iboh lah ktk mala tanyak kmk bila gik urg laki ya nak masok minang mak. nang kmk maok nikah, tp mun kmk tiba2 tanyak, sik desperate kah bunyinya.

aok mak, menar kali kata firasat kitak. kali nang menar urg laki ya sekda perasaan dgn kmk.
kali nya sik tauk gik apa nya maok lam idup. tp sekpa lah mak. mun nya sik maok dgn kmk pun,
sik juak kmk terkilan gilak. tp mak, kmk nang berserah dgn jodoh, tawakkal kmk tok mak. and i think you should too.

i don't put much hope, because if i do, it'll crash. i'm letting it float in a river, and let it flow
to where it is destined to be. i don't know how it'll end. no one ever taught me that. and let's just leave it like that. for now. period.

Curhat (updated)

I don't know where to start. and i don't know how. it's linked from one story to another. and some might wonder why my posts are usually sad and depressing. I'd say this is a personal thing that none of my family members knew of. being raised in a big family, when i was born, i had 2 elder brothers above me. for them, i was spoiled since i was the only girl in the family. so i got teased a lot. and i'm the 'lone-ranger'. played on my own, and when i tried to join them, i'd end up crying. and so i was called a crybaby back then. out of no reason, they just happy to see me crying. since i was a 'lone-ranger', i kept everything to myself, giving in.

i got a younger sibling when i was 6. by 8, i got 3 younger brothers. by 11, i got 5 younger siblings. mom taught me at a very young age that i should not think for myself, but put others before me. i.e; my siblings, my parents. to think of others before i do anything. i know how to clean washable diapers, how to fold the diapers, how to put on the washable diapers. they had this folded cotton, which layered with washable plastic as well, to tied it up around the toddler's waist. and somehow faeces fall down the leg when the plastics were no longer elastic), how to clean up vomit, toddler's urine and faeces, how to mix the milk formulae, how to feed them, etc. (to be honest, until now i can still remember how mom yelled at me when i refused to clean up my brother's vomit. that ws when i was 8. when i told her about it now, she denied). so..i knew about chores when i ws young. birthday party was unheard of. unless if it's for younger siblings. i did asked for one when i was 9. and mom said no, saying that she was too tired, and told me to understand her situation.

being in a big family, privacy is unheard of. i've had diaries. and all have been read by my elder brothers. being laughed at. and i was the laughing stock for the month. i've had diaries to talk to someone, i was lonely. mom was busy with younger siblings, my elder brothers are doing things among both of them. and, staying with cousins during wkend is absolutely is big NO. i don't know why, and until now, i kept wondering. perhaps mom didn't like having strangers in our house, so she doesn't want us to pester others. but, i can recall this, "people would think we (my parents), could not taking care of you". but if it's just a night, it won't hurt at all.

that's all for now. this is merely the first part of curhat. kinda sleepy now. i'll update it later.

Whole new level?

hmnn.. i wish i can say more. but i need to stay in silence until everything is confirmed =)

Am so sad. so disappointed.

Greetings,


Can't stop crying. tears keep running. am sad, am so disappointed, am more disappointed. but i need to let this out. hoping my brother, whoever it is will find this post one day and knows how disappointed i am. in my life, on my 28, soon 29 years of living, never in my life, i cursed my parents, never ever curse my elder brothers (no matter how bad they treated me), never ever curse the elderly in my family.

and today.. my younger brother cursed me. with the reason, i kept shouting at him. i've been patient for the past 2 years. feeding him, paying his bills, his food. he's sucking everything single sen out of me. i never complain. well, i did once. when the price of fuel was rm2.70/litre. yet, he didn't even bother to consider my financial condition. no sense of responsibility, and thinking of others.

i came from a large family. with 6 boys and 2 girls. i have 2 elder brothers, 4 younger brothers and 1 sister. even during uni days, i was always hesitant whenever i ran out of money and called my parents for more. i kept thinking of my younger siblings, i have 5 more below me for my parents to support. i rarely went for shopping, because i had no money, and couldn't afford to buy things, even extra jeans or shirts. i only buy things according to my needs and not wants. because back in my mind, i can buy on my own when i earn my own money. and that's why i have had only 2 mobile phones for the past 10 years.

but for the rest of my younger siblings, it's different. the spend endlessly. they went to private school, had rm10k for braces. when they run out of money, they came to mom, and complained to me. when they got money, they buy iphone, guitar, rm1000 handphone, keyboard, laptop. when i got my bonus, i treat my younger siblings to pizzas, or dinners before everything else. when i go for shopping, i think of others before i buy something for myself. because its the way it should be. treat your family first, before your friends, or your loved ones (who's not yet in the family).

so, what happened was. i went back to kuching for a week plus. i left my car key for my younger brothers to use. it happened that, my car was hit at parking lot. my brother, A, who used the car didn't manage, or didn't have the courage to tell me, or just couldn't be bothered to tell me at all. the whole time i'm in kuching, he couldn't sms/call me. he couldn't even get it fix, with the reason "i got no money". oh yeah, and just last month, you bought a guitar? he only told me after 1 day i arrived back in KL, when i asked for car key. Until then.. i repeat UNTIL THEN.. he said "your car got hit". when i asked when are you going to fix it? his answer "later..later..later". my understanding, living with him for the past 22years, later means never. like the time i asked him to pick up my laptop that he broke, or the time i asked him to fix the light, or to clean up the room. LATER to A.. means NEVER.

i fixed the car during the week, before chinese new year. i got MC for the day when i visited my ENT for my pulsatile tinnitus. and spent nearly rm100 to get the car fixed, with my left ears kept banging, there goes my rest. did he think about this? NO. he's on study week, with no classes. did he consider me? NO. did he think of fixing the car before CNY? No. now he's back in Kch for 1mnth. and do you think he's going to fix the car? you know the answer.

so this morning, he asked for my car, for my brother to send him to KL sentral. and i asked him, when is he going to fix the car? he said later.. again. i confronted him. he said he got no money. (as usual). suddenly he said 'p*****k'. i was shocked. i am not mad because my car got hit. am mad, because he has no sense of responsibility. he never think of others, he never think of me. how and when am i going to fix the car with CNY around? keeps thinking of himself. never put others before him. never put initiative for others at all. never think of things i did for him. how much i spent for him. he put his gf, his friends before his sister? leave alone to respect me? he sucked every sen out of me, and cursed me. how nice. you went to tahfiz private school, you memorized 10 juzu' of Quran, and u cursed your sister. perfect. Semoga Allah membalas kata-kata/perbuatan A.

i am so disappointed with my brother, for the fact that he cursed me. how low can it get? i didn't mind if he shouted back at me. i didn't mind if he turn his back at me. but to curse me, that is the lowest of the low. this is what came out of my mouth " if i'm going to die soon, i won't forgive you. aku haramkan apa yg dia makan, minum, segala apa yg aku bagi sepanjang dia duduk dgn aku. semoga Allah balas perbuatan A."

Did i say that out of frustration? Yes.
Do i regret? No. I've had enough of putting him before myself.
Is my anger justifiable? You tell me. but i am deeply disappointed. Deeply wounded.